"The only person who should be self-loathing, is the one who kills someone, for no reason at all, and goes home to have a cup of coffe."

I dreamed I murdered someone.

I dreamed I murdered several people. Instead of guilt or remorse, I was filled with an overwhelming fear of getting found out - as if the only thing stopping me from killing was not a sense of morals or ethics, but the realisation of the consequences. This is in fact a theme I first thought about right after seeing The Great Ecstacy of Robert Carmichael, but I never really consciously thought about it.

There was a head in my refrigerator. There were bodies, hidden in my room. In the dream - not unlike in real life - I had to move out soon, and my main recurring thought was "Shit, what do I do with the bodies?". Every time I relaxed, every time I sank back into a more peaceful state of mind, there was a shriek - "Shit, what do I do with the bodies?"

I woke up in the middle of dragging a corpse to the river, argueing with myself that it was no good, the cops would find out, even the water wouldn't wash away the forensic evidence, they'd find it all out. Shit shit shit. And suddenly I am in my bed, shivering, recognising a bad dream for what it is, and pulling the sheets over my head.

I close my eyes, trying to get some sleep - I only have half an hour left before I have to wake up and go to work. I relax. And suddenly, my heart skips a beat. For a moment, I'm filled with sheer panic, as I think "Shit, what am I going to do with the bodies?"

"... What bodies? It was a dream."
The bodies in your room.
"There are no bodies in my room. It's not real."
Isn't it?
Doubt. Paranoia. Panic.
The head in your refrigerator, isn't it real?

I'm awake. But not really. The reality of my dream enters the reality of my life. I see myself lying in bed, bodies scattered all around me, the sickening odour of decay filling up my nose. When my alarm clock goes off, I snap out of it, shivering and ready to throw up.



Maybe there is something wrong with my head after all.